Seasons

Over the past few weeks, the temperature has slowly begun to drop.

The air is chillier, crisper now. I have been pulling out my favorite flannel shirt and donning my light jackets and sitting on the couch in my sweatpants.

The leaves on the trees are finally showing off their reds and yellows and oranges, a phenomenon that has never ceased to amaze me.

I’m finally able to sleep under my new comforter, and I’m eagerly breaking out my ridiculous number of blankets whenever I can.

The seasons are changing, and so am I.

I’ve been walking a little lighter these days. The weight that had settled on my chest for months and months has lightened its load, and the knots in my throat have loosened. I’ve been trying to exercise more, and I’ve had more energy to do crazy things like clean my apartment, do the dishes and meet new people.

I’ve started getting involved at my church, and it has reminded me that even when I don’t have all the answers, I can still do meaningful work. It has reminded me that sometimes, the best cure for existential angst is to get outside yourself and serve others.

My questions about reality don’t feel like they’re about to crush me anymore. I wouldn’t say they’re gone, but I’d say we’ve come to a truce. We’re learning to get along a little better.

I still suspect that theĀ universe contains far more mystery than it does answers, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s part of the point.

Perhaps God can be found as much in the mystery as He can in the answers we try to come up with.

Perhaps learning to hold my questions and my answers with open hands isn’t as scary as I thought it was at first.

Perhaps it is OK to be where I am right now.

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